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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28177686">Penelope Garcia's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/snipsnap/pseuds/snipsnap'>snipsnap</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU: spencer reid uses his phone, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Multi, Nonbinary Spencer Reid, another bau chatfic? it's more likely than you think, everyone in the bau is queer, i've said it before and i'll say it again: ace hotch rights!!!!!!, no beta we drop like flies, penelope garcia/happiness, rossi is the token straight</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:28:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,915</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28177686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/snipsnap/pseuds/snipsnap</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Penelope Garcia changed their name to penny<br/>penny changed Aaron Hotchner’s name to bossman<br/>penny changed Derek Morgan’s name to greek god<br/>penny changed Emily Prentiss’s name to BAMF<br/>penny changed Jennifer Jareau’s name to jj<br/>penny changed Spencer Reid’s name to baby</i>
</p><p>bossman: Please, Garcia, don't do this.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, The BAU Team As Family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>362</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. and so it begins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>when you're working on an actual chapter fic but you get an idea thats too out of character for you to use so you create a really shitty chat fic instead</p><p>title in reference to Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Penelope Garcia added Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss, and Jennifer Jareau to Chat.</i>
</p><p>Derek Morgan: Whats up babygirl</p><p>Penelope Garcia: just another one of my perfect, amazing, awe-inspiring ideas is in the works &lt;3<br/>
Penelope Garcia: behold…. THE BAU GROUP CHAT!</p><p>Jennifer Jareau: Why aren’t Hotch and Rossi in here?</p><p>Emily Prentiss: you really want those old ass men ruining our fun???</p><p>Spencer Reid: You’re the second-oldest person on the team, though.</p><p>Emily Prentiss: kick him penelope</p><p>Penelope Garcia: nooooo i love the baby genius too much for that :(</p><p>Emily Prentiss: wow<br/>
Emily Prentiss: so ur really gonna choose him<br/>
Emily Prentiss: over my emotional wellbeing????<br/>
Emily Prentiss: the betrayal. in all my years, ive never felt so cast aside.<br/>
Emily Prentiss: so stepped on.<br/>
Emily Prentiss: im suing you<br/>
Emily Prentiss: for emotional damages<br/>
Emily Prentiss: get hotch in here hes gonna be my laywer</p><p>Derek Morgan: laywer</p><p>Jennifer Jareau: laywer</p><p>Penelope Garcia: laywer</p><p>Spencer Reid: What?</p><p>Derek Morgan: Get her ass</p><p>Emily Prentiss: not even ONE comment about my melodrama?? i went through all that trouble and for NOTHING?<br/>
Emily Prentiss: yep. that settles it. you owe me 35000 dollars<br/>
Emily Prentiss: gimme hotch</p><p>
  <i>Penelope Garcia added Aaron Hotchner to Chat.</i>
</p><p>
 Derek Morgan: Why 35000?
</p><p>
 Emily Prentiss: my tears are worth more than your entire life
</p><p>
 Aaron Hochner: Would anyone care to explain what this is
</p><p>
 Penelope Garcia: it’s pure, unadulterated genius, my friend
</p><p>
 
    <i>Penelope Garcia changed their name to penny<br/>
penny changed Aaron Hotchner’s name to bossman<br/>
penny changed Derek Morgan’s name to greek god<br/>
penny changed Emily Prentiss’s name to BAMF<br/>
penny changed Jennifer Jareau’s name to jj<br/>
penny changed Spencer Reid’s name to baby</i>

</p><p>
 bossman: Please, Garcia, don’t do this.
</p><p>
 greek god: give me admin I need to change some names here
</p><p>
 
    <i>penny gave greek god admin.</i>
  
</p><p>

      <i>greek god changed baby’s name to pipe cleaner</i>

</p><p>

  pipe cleaner: I WILL crush you, one of these days.

</p><p>
jj: Theres a story behind that name and i want to hear it.

</p><p>
BAMF: wait give it to me too<br/>
BAMF: its important
</p><p>
 <i>penny gave everyone admin.</i>
</p><p>

        <i>BAMF changed their name to BAMFlesbian</i>

</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: badass motherfucking lesbian
</p><p>
penny: em!!! we love you so much and we all support you!! thank you for trusting us enough to come out to us, we’re so proud of you!!!
</p><p>
pipe cleaner: Did you just come out to the whole team via <i>this</i>? A <i>group chat?</i>
</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: not yet i didnt
</p><p>
<i>BAMFlesbian added David Rossi to Chat<br/>
BAMFlesbian changed chat name to BAU BABYYYY</i>
</p><p>
 David Rossi: Aaron, why did you allow this?
</p><p>
bossman: Believe me, if I could stop this, I would.
</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: rossi, im gay
</p><p>
David Rossi: I know. You’re not subtle, prentiss.
</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: oh shit<br/>
BAMFlesbian: am i that obvious?
</p><p>
pipe cleaner: Yeah, you are a little.
</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: does she know?????
</p><p>
bossman: Luckily for you, she’s also really oblivious, so no.
</p><p>
jj: What??? Who
</p><p>
greek god: Dw about it jayj<br/>
greek god: Hotch? You gossip?
</p><p>
 bossman: Of course
</p><p>
penny: damn. you, my fine, are now the furriest of my friends. sorry morgs, youre out of a job
</p><p>
greek god: baby girl WHAT??</p><p>
bossman: And there’s my reminder for the drug test.
</p><p>
pipe cleaner: Statistically, only one out of every nine people in America is addicted to drugs, disregarding caffeine, so it’s highly unlikely that Garcia is also on something.
</p><p>
jj: “also”?
</p><p>
pipe cleaner: Oops
</p><p>
   <i>pipe cleaner logged off.</i>
</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: oh thank god. does this mean i dont have to pretend that he isnt clearly on drugs? shit was gettin old
</p><p>
jj: Really, em?
</p><p>
BAMFlesbian: HWAT????? its true!
</p><p>
greek god: hwat
</p><p>
penny: hwat
</p><p>
jj: hwat
</p><p>
bossman: Get her ass
</p><p>-------------------------------</p><p>          <i>jj changed their name to Cheeto slut</i></p><p>------------------------------</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope you enjoyed my fucking around! get ready for Cringe next chapter &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. rossi is on thin mcfucking ice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the Coming Out Chapter that i needed for my soul</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>you know how every gay friend group has that one token straight? that's rossi</p><p>happy holidays, hope you're having a great winter break</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>greek god: For fuck’s sake hotch, again??</p><p>David Rossi: Aaron, I don’t know how I expected anything else, but I’m still angry at you.</p><p>Cheeto slut: How do you manage to seem like the most professional but still get hurt the most?</p><p>bossman: We caught the unsub, it’s fine</p><p>penny: no!!! no it is not fine!!! i am so sick of all of you putting yourselves in harms way!!!!!</p><p>BAMFlesbian: what is it with unsubs and stabbing hotch</p><p>bossman: It’s only happened twice</p><p>greek god: And it would have been one less time if you hadn’t run in without backup!</p><p>bossman: In my defense, Reid was there too</p><p>greek god: Don’t you turn this on him!! Ill deal with him later but right now, you put yourself in unnecessary danger, and for that</p><p>pipe cleaner: You do realize how hypocritical you’re being? You put yourself into danger just as much, if not more.</p><p>greek god: shut it, pipecleaner with eyes<br/>
greek god: AND FOR THAT im going to tell them about that party five years ago</p><p>bossman: Morgan. Don’t.</p><p>greek god: Uh-oh boss man!! Guess you should have stayed out of trouble then!!!</p><p>bossman: Please, Derek</p><p>Cheeto slut: :eyes_emoji:</p><p>David Rossi: Do I need popcorn for this</p><p>greek god: Yes</p><p>bossman: Et tu, Dave?</p><p>greek good: Seriously though, if you’re uncomfortable with the team knowing that about you I’ll tell a different story</p><p>bossman: No, it’s fine. It’s about time anyway</p><p>greek god: Aight<br/>
greek god: Let me set the scene for you;<br/>
greek god: It’s 2015. Strauss is throwing one of her political parties where everyone comes and suffers and feigns interest and gets drunk<br/>
greek god: Keep in mind, I had never seen Hotch drunk before this.<br/>
greek god: I could tell throughout the evening that something was off. Even before he got wasted, he was <i>smiling</i>. Hotch <i>never</i> smiles!!!<br/>
greek god: So i came up to him in the garden outside. At this point, he was bordering on wobbly. And I said something about “whats goin on”<br/>
greek god: And then I said “Be straight with me, man.” and he pokes me in the chest, sloshing his drink down my shirt in the process, and goes, and i quote;<br/>
greek god: “That’s the problem. I have a very hard time being straight around you.”</p><p>BAMFlesbian: LMAOIHSDHFJHOADSH</p><p>greek god: And THEN! As if he didn’t just come out to and admit to being attracted to his subordinate in the same breath, he THROWS UP ON MY SHOES!!!!!!!<br/>
greek god: I had to practically carry this MAN<br/>
greek god: This MARRIED MAN who just told me i was TURNING HIM GAY<br/>
greek god: Home to his WIFE<br/>
greek god: With VOMIT ON MY SHOES<br/>
greek god: But damn. If I wasn’t a straight man, who knows</p><p>bossman: Don’t flatter yourself. Highschool ‘turned me gay’, not you</p><p>pipe cleaner: Morgan, I honestly did not want to know this.</p><p>Cheeto slut: “if i wasn't a straight man”? honey...</p><p>penny: ALFH;HHDLAHSLJHFJKHSDKJFHKJHOEIHJFHJSDK<br/>
penny: hotch that is SO ICONIC OF YOI</p><p>
  <i>penny changed bossman’s name to biman</i>
</p><p>Cheeto slut: Emily’s silence is deafening….</p><p>BAMFlesbian: yeh i was tooi busy lauhing hysteericaly on the floor<br/>
BAMFlesbian: im so glad tharea a second out persn on the team now butt<br/>
BAMFlesbian: “i have a harrd time bein,g staight around yoo’<br/>
BAMFlesbian: the fact thst it was HOT who saiid that<br/>
BAMFlesbian: cannu imagine???? khqewcmbvxjdncHDIENTPRYOIWYKHSIJWKAK</p><p>biman: Did you just call me Hot</p><p>penny: em, that is the worst keysmash ive ever seen</p><p>
  <i>greek god changed biman’s name to Hot</i>
</p><p>greek god: Fitting</p><p>Hot: I have a girlfriend and you’re in love with someone else. Why are you flirting with me</p><p>penny: shhh bossman, just enjoy it. being flirted with by derek morgan is an experience</p><p>pipe cleaner: Hotch has a girlfriend? Derek is in love with someone? What is going on?</p><p>greek god: Hotch has a girlfriend? I'm in love with someone? What is going on?</p><p>
  <i>Hot changed their name to bossace</i>
</p><p>bossace: I’m biromantic ace</p><p>David Rossi: Thank you for trusting us enough to come out</p><p>penny: we’re so proud of you and we all love you so much!!!!<br/>
penny: rossi don’t plagiarize what i said to emily &gt;:(<br/>
penny: mark it down people!!! we’re having a coming out party tomorrow for both em and our favorite boss boy!!</p><p>Cheeto slut: Boss boy?</p><p>penny: boss boy.<br/>
penny: if anyone else wants to come out now so that you’re included in the celebrations do so!!<br/>
penny: I, for one, cannot fit my glorious self into societal boxes, but im some type of queer!</p><p>Cheeto slut: Guys are hot, but girls are breathtaking, and everyone else is ethereal. I’m pan.</p><p>pipe cleaner: I’m bisexual with a preference for women, and despite being a genius I never have been able to figure out gender. It’s just so pointless.</p><p>penny: pronouns?</p><p>pipe cleaner: I don’t know, but I’d like to try he/they.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: you turned my hysterical laughing fit into Sitting And Trying Not To Cry<br/>
BAMFlesbian: i love you guys so much and im so proud of all of you<br/>
BAMFlesbian: except rossi. ew, gross, a cishet</p><p>David Rossi: Sorry</p><p>BAMFlesbian: you should be</p><p>
  <i>BAMFlesbian changed David Rossi’s name to Breeder</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>look at that keysmash. top emily rights</p><p>yell at me about how out of character this is &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Love That Ass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>emily SMACKS THE SHIT out of the iconic, all-american Ass Of West Virginia, and it's derek's turn to get bullied</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>look up mothman's ass. you will not be disappointed</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>bossace: Prentiss. Reid. Where are you</p><p>BAMFlesbian: is there a case</p><p>bossace: Not yet.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: then it’s none of ur concern bitch</p><p>greek god: Are you TRYING to get fired?????????????</p><p>
  <i>BAMFlesbian changed greek god’s name to fucking coward</i>
</p><p>bossace: If you don’t tell me where you are in the next five seconds, I will make a case myself.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: FINE. mom.</p><p>pipe cleaner: I'm sorry, did Hotch just threaten to kill someone?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: so read and I both wanted a break from all that goddamn paperwork<br/>
BAMFlesbian: thus i took us up to pleasant point in west virgin and my hand may or may not be sprained</p><p>fucking coward: Did you just call Reid “read”<br/>
fucking coward: And west virginia “west virgin”<br/>
fucking coward: Wait. What was that about your hand</p><p>penny: YOU WENT THERE TO OGLE THAT AND YOU DIDN’T TAKE ME???</p><p>BAMFlesbian: PENNY IM SO SORRY IF ID KNOWN YOU WANTED TO COME</p><p>penny: WELL ITS GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOU DONT KNOW ME AS WELL AS I THOUGHT YOU DID</p><p>BAMFlesbian: PLEASE IM SORRY BABY HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO U</p><p>penny: WELL<br/>
penny: start with sending me the fucking pictures. then buy me coffee for a week. do that, and keep calling me baby, and i just MIGHT forgive you</p><p>BAMFlesbian: anything for you, babe</p><p>Cheeto slut: Since when did you two start dating</p><p>fucking coward: What’s in west virginia that mama wants to see so badly? And what the hell happened to your hand?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: mothmans ass</p><p>Breeder: What</p><p>Cheeto slut: what?</p><p>bossace: Seriously</p><p>BAMFlesbian: mothboy’s cake<br/>
BAMFlesbian: mothboy’s big pumpkin<br/>
BAMFlesbian: mothie-poo’s phat, gigantic, thicc, juicy dumptruck</p><p>pipe cleaner: She started monologuing once we got here. Do you want me to write a transcript of it?</p><p>penny: yes. absolutely. please do</p><p>pipe cleaner: Okay, give me a couple of minutes to type it out.</p><p>fucking coward: Take all the time you need, pretty boy<br/>
fucking coward: Pretty… person?<br/>
fucking coward: ‘My pretty’? Just ‘pretty’?</p><p>pipe cleaner: Pretty boy is fine, Derek.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: lmaooooo thats gay</p><p>pipe cleaner: 
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[EMILY, having arrived at the crowded center of town, where the mothman statue is located]: Wow. This is IT, folks. I drove all the way out here just to ogle Mothman’s perfect ass cheeks, and goddamn, they DID NOT disappoint. That’s the most magnificent cake I’ve ever seen. Never have I laid my eyes upon something quite so gorgeous.</p>
</blockquote>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>[Passerby are beginning to stare. EMILY continues, getting progressively louder now that she has an audience]: I, like many before me and many after I am long gone, came to this cozy town for the sole purpose of taking in the glory of Mothman’s perfect physique. His eight-pack of abs, his beady eyes, his sexy, ratty wings-- they’re all amazing! They all would make me want to fuck him!</p>
  <p>[PASSERBY, to ME]: Is she drunk?</p>
  <p>[ME]: No, I think she’s just bored.</p>
  <p>[EMILY, shouting now]: BUT WE ALL KNOW THE REAL ATTRACTION HERE! IT’S THE ABSOLUTE DUMP TRUCK OF AN ASS THAT SOME BLESSED SCULPTOR GAVE US!</p>
  <p>[EMILY pulls her hand back and delivers a full-palmed smack to the metal butt. The sound rings out loudly. The passerby look impressed. EMILY stands proud for a moment, before reeling back, shaking out her hand and cursing quietly at the pain. Someone in the crowd begins to clap. A few more people join in. EMILY bows, still shaking her hand.]</p>
</blockquote><p>Cheeto slut: ...Wow</p><p>fucking coward: How the hell did you format the text like that??</p><p>pipecleaner: I took her to the E.R. after that. We’re still waiting on the results of the X-ray.</p><p>penny: YOU GORGEOUS, ICONIC WOMAN, I MIGHT HAVE TO FORGIVE YOU JUST FOR THAT<br/>
penny: PLEASE TELL ME REID GOT IT ON CAMERA</p><p>BAMFlesbian: im sorry, lovely, i dont think they did<br/>
BAMFlesbian: they’re probably not used to bringing a camera, bc you know. eidetic memory</p><p>pipe cleaner: Actually, I did film it. I knew Garcia would want to see it.</p><p>penny: REID I LOVE YOU SM</p><p>pipe cleaner: I know.</p><p>bossace: Prentiss?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: ..yeah?</p><p>bossace: I won’t punish you for something that you did that wasn’t in the name of the BAU, but if you do something like that while on the clock again, I’ll take you off fieldwork for a month.</p><p>Cheeto slut: You know…<br/>
Cheeto slut: the straggot’s been awfully silent </p><p>Breeder: I hate this</p><p>BAMFlesbian: lmao fuckin default settings ass bitch</p><p>fucking coward: Hey im straight too, why are you only bullying him</p><p>
  <i>pipe cleaner changed fucking coward’s name to Internalized Homophobia Who?</i>
</p><p>Cheeto slut: Sometimes we all need a little gentle bullying to get where we need to. Im sorry, derek, but LMAO SPENCE WHEN DID YOUR HUMOR GET THIS FUNNY</p><p>Internalized Homophobia Who?: Fuck yall</p><p>penny: honey, you know i love you<br/>
penny: and i know you’re not ready to come out, or admit it to yourself yet<br/>
penny: but you can’t keep living in denial.</p><p>
  <i>Internalized Homophobia Who? left BAU BABYYYY</i>
</p><p>BAMFlesbian: oop</p><p>
  <i>BAMFlesbian added Internalized Homophobia Who? to BAU BABYYYY</i>.
</p><p>
 BAMFlesbian: wake up, man. gay is okay
</p><p>
 Internalized Homophobia Who?: i KNOW gay is okay
</p><p>
 penny: your bad experience with gay men when growing up doesnt mean you or any other queer man is disgusting. baby, just think about it
</p><p>
  <i>Internalized Homophobia Who? left BAU BABYYYY</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you sm for reading! i once again wrote this at 3 am so its not exactly my BEST quality work :/</p><p>also. should i change this from jemily to penemily?? i just love the penelope/emily dynamic sm,,,</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. time to bully</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>lol who needs this to be in character anyway</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BAMFlesbian: gueuss what guys!<br/>
BAMFlesbian: my hannd is broken<br/>
BAMFlesbian: woe else hsas any news on this find mourning</p><p>Cheeto slut: I broke up with will</p><p>penny: jfc FINALLY<br/>
penny: what was the straw that broke the camel’s back?</p><p>Cheeto slut: I just couldn’t understand a word he said</p><p>BAMFlesbian: youre ‘re married<br/>
BAMFlesbian: and yoo leave him NOW because you suddenly can’t understate himn??</p><p>Cheeto slut: ...fine<br/>
Cheeto slut: I may or may not have feelings for someone else. He couldn’t handle that. He drank. I left.</p><p>penny: time to throw a “you got ur shit together” party!!! We’ll have two focuses this time. Derek has something to say to you guys</p><p>
  <i>penny added Internalized Homophobia Who? To BAU BABYYYY</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Internalized Homophobia Who? Changed their name to Internalized Homophobia :/</i>
</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: yeah im queer</p><p>BAMFlesbian: we been jnew, but weere still so proud f you!!!1!</p><p>penny: damn right we are</p><p>pipe cleaner: Derek, we really are incredibly proud of you. I know it took a lot to overcome the trauma keeping you from accepting yourself, and I love you for that strength.<br/>
pipe cleaner: *we</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: I havent cried in over two years, spencer, stop fuckin trying to ruin that</p><p>BAMFlesbian: awww thatsa so swert<br/>
BAMFlesbian: could doo witout the correction toh. coward</p><p>Breeder: “thatsa”? Are you becoming an italian with your typos?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: fucka youa bitcha</p><p>bossace: Prentiss.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: ohhhj youu defend DABE when i  curde at him but u dont’ defens me whne im gettin bullied/? or morgand? or reed? orr my bae pen?</p><p>Bossace: I never said I was above having favorites. Besides, no one ever bullies Garcia, we all like her too much</p><p>pipe cleaner: Please stop calling me reed.</p><p>Breeder: I would also appreciate not being called Dabe.</p><p>Cheeto slut: Be quiet, breeder. Straighties don’t get opinions</p><p>Breeder: Is the nicest person on the team attacking me right now? Is that whats happening?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: oojooh truts me jaje is NT the niecst person no the tea,. thats pen. jay s  th e gentlest, mayhaps, bu shes s SAVAGE</p><p>Cheeto slut: Em please use voice to text you’re killing me making me read these</p><p>pipe cleaner: Actually, if you pay attention to what letters are close on the keyboard to those in the words she misspelled and factor in her usual vocabulary, Emily’s texts are really easy to understand.</p><p>Cheeto slut: we aren’t all geniuses, spence</p><p>BAMFlesbian: ass if. youeer the smartest prson ivre met. behnid reed ofc, butt ony barely</p><p>penny: helloooo????</p><p>BAMFlesbian: babe i nwver said YOU were behind spancer in braniness</p><p>penny: good &lt;3</p><p>Cheeto slut: Seriously, when did you guys start dating?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: wwe havent :(</p><p>penny: yet ;)<br/>
penny: no, im joking, i know the heart of the princess is reserved for someone else<br/>
penny: and so is darling derek’s!!! Why are all the flirty ones taken??</p><p>Breeder: I’m not</p><p>penny: as if i would ever willingly associate myself with a cishet</p><p>Breeder: Ouch. Good to know that you define me by only my sexuality.</p><p>bossace: Because that’s all you are </p><p>BAMFlesbian: gi fuck a girl, straihty</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: get away from us, you might give us your disease</p><p>Breeder: Disease????</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: you had three wives, man. Don’t deny it.</p><p>Breeder: I guess i cant argue with that</p><p>Cheeto slut: get out of here, pussylicker</p><p>pipe cleaner: Straight sex is the #1 cause for murderers being born. We can’t atone that here, Rossi.</p><p>Breeder: Aaron back me up</p><p>bossace: No, I dont talk to brand names like you</p><p>Breeder: You too??<br/>
Breeder: Wait, brand names? What?</p><p>bossace: Brand names. Basic. No flavor.<br/>
bossace: I might be convinced to change my mind if you happen to have an extra pot of your carbonara</p><p>Breeder: Deal.</p><p>bossace: Everyone, if you leave Dave alone for the rest of today, I’ll give you some.</p><p>penny: deal.</p><p>pipe cleaner: Deal.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: desl.</p><p>Cheeto slut: Deal.</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: deal.</p><p>bossace: You’re welcome</p><p>Breeder: Thank you so much<br/>
Breeder: Wait a minute, it’s 11 pm</p><p>bossace: :)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know last chapter was the height of chaos, im so sorry if this one didn't live up to it. its a filler chapter while i try to figure out where the fuck im going with this</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>is it just me or does the criminal minds theme by itself highkey slap????</p><p>anyway we got some buildup the inevitable gay in here, but thats about all lmao</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BAMFlesbian: back at it again at krispy kreme</p><p>Cheeto slut: Its two in the morning, love, what are you doing</p><p>BAMFlesbian: aslierheogjfsmgnvohuwh9h9eifjb cnix28 ajfjfgahgagggaga</p><p>Cheeto slut: Oh good, your correct spelling was starting to worry me</p><p>BAMFlesbian: they took off the cats so i can type now<br/>BAMFlesbian: that was just a gay panic<br/>BAMFlesbian: *cats<br/>BAMFlesbian: *cats<br/>BAMFlesbian: FUCK<br/>BAMFlesbian: *CASR<br/>BAMFlesbian: *CATS!!!!!<br/>BAMFlesbian: FUCK!!!1!!!!11!!<br/>BAMFlesbian: C<br/>BAMFlesbian: A<br/>BAMFlesbian: S<br/>BAMFlesbian: T<br/>BAMFlesbian: FUCK YOU AUTOCORRECT I FUCKING WON</p><p>Cheeto slut: ...okay. I am going to address absolutely none of that. How much coffee have you had?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: oh, you know. a few.<br/>BAMFlesbian: sleep is for the weak</p><p>bossace: You’re weak. Go to sleep</p><p>BAMFlesbian: fuck you i am not weak<br/>BAMFlesbian: besides, why arent YOU asleep</p><p>pipe cleaner: He’s still at the office.</p><p>Breeder: I need to put my phone on silent. And Hotch? Go home.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: wait a minute read how did you know that</p><p>bossace: They’re also still at the office, so they have no room to speak</p><p>pipe cleaner: Jfahjewycv skajhdihejd b</p><p>Cheeto slut: Spence are you okay?? You never make typos!</p><p>pipe cleaner: Yeah, sorry. That was just the gender euphoria. I almost dropped my phone.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: its not like you havent been gendered before, why did you malfunction this time?</p><p>pipe cleaner: I don’t know, it could be because I was gendered by an authority figure this time.</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: shame strauss up and dipped, she’d be the biggest authority figure to gender you</p><p>BAMFlesbian: strauss was homophobic lol</p><p>pipe cleaner: Yeah, you’re right. She would probably call me a fruit like someone else here once did.</p><p>Breeder: It was ONE TIME and I was drunk as hell it doesn’t count</p><p>bossace: Dave becomes a bigot when he’s drunk?</p><p>Breeder: ONLY SOMETIMES OKAY</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: not just when he’s drunk…</p><p>Breeder: IM OT A BIGOT</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: sure thing pissboy</p><p>Breeder: It’s too early for this</p><p>
  <i>Breeder left BAU BABY!!!!</i>
</p><p>BAMFlesbian: oh good was the cishet finally bullied away?</p><p>penny: now i feel kinda bad……</p><p>Cheeto slut: Pen, you didn’t force him out. You’re innocent, don’t worry<br/>Cheeto slut: Wait, get rossi back in here, i have another thing to bully him about</p><p>
  <i>Cheeto slut added Breeder to BAU BABY!!!!</i>
</p><p>Cheeto slut: Rossi used to be into BDSM</p><p>pipe cleaner: I do not want to hear any of this. JJ stop.</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: Im always down with making fun of rossi but i absolutely agree with the kid. please do not make us read about this</p><p>Breeder: How did you even know that, Jareau??????</p><p>Cheeto slut: I know a lot of things.</p><p>Breeder: I just dabbled! And it doesn’t matter anyway, just don’t talk about my sex life!</p><p>Cheeto slut: Pen, babe?</p><p>penny: oh, he did more than just dabble<br/>penny: in his senior year of highschool (GROSS) he joined 8 BDSM groups of varying size and structure</p><p>Breeder: STOP</p><p>penny: according to the records, he was really good at it, too. he was the most recommended to other clubs than any of the other members.</p><p>bossace: I don’t generally agree with default settings but please, Garcia, stop discussing Dave’s sex life in front of me. Don’t discuss anyone’s, for that matter.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: is that permission to discuss this somewhere that isnt in front of you???</p><p>bossace: No comment</p><p>Breeder: Aaron? You’re betraying me AGAIN?</p><p>bossace: I plead the fifth</p><p>pipe cleaner: Thank you so much, Hotch. I was in danger of vomiting if Garcia continued.</p><p>Breeder: That hurts a little, I won’t lie</p><p>pipe cleaner: You’re older than my own father, Rossi, forgive me for not wanting to hear about your bedroom activities.</p><p>penny: it looks here like they may not have been confined soley to bedrooms. do you want  to hear about those instead?</p><p>pipe cleaner: Stop! Please stop!</p><p>penny: hmmmm idk what do i gain from stopping?</p><p>pipe cleaner: I will buy you coffee for a week!</p><p>BAMFlesbian: youre broke tho</p><p>pipe cleaner: I know!</p><p>penny: the baby drives a hard bargain. I accept your terms, young sir</p><p>pipe cleaner: How do I type in all capital letters?</p><p>Cheeto slut: Hit the button in the middle row on the far left side</p><p>pipe cleaner: Thank you, JJ.<br/>pipe cleaner: I’M NOT A BABY!</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: There is much evidence to the contrary, pretty one.</p><p>pipe cleaner: Really? Well how about I negate that, huh?<br/>pipe cleaner: Fu<br/>pipe cleaner: F<br/>pipe cleaner: Fuc</p><p>BAMFlesbian: its okay, take your time</p><p>pipe cleaner: I’m scared.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: you can do it! prove your boytoy wrong! i believe in you!!!</p><p>pipe cleaner: Yeah! I can do this! I’ll show Derek!<br/>pipe cleaner: FUCK!</p><p>BAMFlesbian: so u agree derek is your boytoy</p><p>pipe cleaner: Bitch!</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: Why are u so okay with bitch and bastard but youve never said fuck before??</p><p>pipe cleaner: The F-word is different somehow, I don’t know.</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: “the F-word”? youre just proving my point here kid</p><p>pipe cleaner: I already used it!</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: I know, I’m teasing. I just think its cute.</p><p>pipe cleaner: Ybrfvuhlkxm sa</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>can someone tell me how to get rid of the notes beneath this one pls???? idk why it's showing up on every chapter</p><p>im gonna try to update this every two days, which shouldn't be too hard considering the chapter length lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. im so sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>no one has any idea what is happening, especially not the author, i honestly forgot what i wrote the second after i wrote it. enjoy, my loves</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok you know how i said i would update every two days? ahahahahahahahahahahha anyway</p><p>heres a rlly rushed chapter bc i just failed my test and had a breakdown and remembered this</p><p>tw for joking about su!cide!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cheeto slut: We need to talk</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: oh FUCK</p><p>BAMFlesbian: jayje… cmon…</p><p>Cheeto slut: I called the quantico therapist. You guys have threatened suicide too many times, and i’m really concerned.</p><p>Breeder: Threatened suicide? When?</p><p>Cheeto slut: Today, it was emily. Yesterday it was spence. Day before that, emily and derek. The day before that, spencer and emily. A week ago, derek and spencer and hotch.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: shes just doing this because i dropped my coffee and then said “i wish i was never fucking born”</p><p>Cheeto slut: You also saw a cute photo on Garcia’s screen and said “that looks so cute I want to kill myself” and one time you hit your hand on your desk and went “why has god forsaken me? He may as well smite me where i stand.” and before that you bent your ice cream spoon and said “fuck. i’m suing my mother for giving birth to me just to shove me into this world of pain” and</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: jj…. We get it. You can stop now</p><p>Cheeto slut: Fine! But you WILL go to the appointments i made!</p><p>pipe cleaner: That sounds like a threat.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: knowing jj, it probably is</p><p>Cheeto slut: ESPECIALLY YOU EM</p><p>BAMFlesbian: god i JUST want to be a croissant is that too much to fucking ask</p><p>bossace: What</p><p>BAMFlesbian: wouldnt that be the life?? tasty. loved.<br/>
BAMFlesbian: buttery</p><p>bossace: I don’t think this is helping your case, prentiss</p><p>Cheeto slut: Your appointment is first. That is final.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: please baby</p><p>Cheeto slut: FINAL.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: i will slap your ass on live television. please</p><p>Cheeto slut: Is that a threat or a bribe?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: whatever you want it to be ;)</p><p>bossace: I’m putting a stop to this.<br/>
bossace: Prentiss, i will tell the owner of your favorite coffee shop that you aren’t to be allowed in on orders of the FBI<br/>
bossace: JJ, i will cancel all orders of cheetos to the vending machines</p><p>Cheeto slut: Okay. stopping now. </p><p>BAMFlesbian: SHIT!! sorry!!! wont do it again!!!!!</p><p>bossace: We both know that’s bullshit, but i’ll let you off the hook this time</p><p>pipe cleaner: I really am curious as to whether or not that was a threat, though.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: it was originally meant to  be a threat, but then jj.</p><p>pipe cleaner: Thank you.<br/>
pipe cleaner: Further analysis into what you would and wouldn’t do and how you perceive certain actions will make it much easier to gain an upper hand the next time you challenge me to a prank war or say something embarrassing about me.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: you little shit</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if i havent responded to one of ur comments it is because i am simply too overcome with love for u to think of an adequate response &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Love That Ass 2: electric boogaloo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im supposed to be doing my science test rn but thats no fun so heres this instead.</p><p>hey everyone who's reading this i love you with all my heart. and everyone who commented come over here im going to give you a kiss on the mouth</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Internalized Homophobia :/: yyyoooohohooo how you guys doIN TONIHT<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: thime to GET LITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT</p><p>BAMFlesbian: youre drunk arent u</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: no im LITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT</p><p>bossace: He’s drunk, and for whatever reason, I have been assigned his babysitter<br/>bossace: By “whatever reason”, I mean Reid fleeing after Morgan got too handsy and flirtatious<br/>bossace: It was pretty funny. He was BRIIGHT red</p><p>BAMFlesbian: youre drunk too arent u</p><p>bossace: No! I can hold my drink! Fuck you!</p><p>Cheeto slut: Why were you going out for drinks with Morgan an Reid? You guys aren’t exactly the dynamic trio</p><p>pipe cleaner: Drinks weren’t our original plan. We meant to check the place out for drug activity related to our case, but there was none, and a pretty lady offered Derek drinks.</p><p>bossace: Pretty lady looked a lot like you hmmm</p><p>pipe cleaner: What’s that supposed to mean?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: THIS PLACE IIS SICK<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: MAN U GOTTA COME HERE<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: ITS LONELY W ONLY MR STICK UP HIS ASS</p><p>bossace: How are oyu lonely? You cant go 2 feet without hitting somebody</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: YEHA but there not FUN LIKE U GAYS</p><p>Cheeto slut: You mean like Spence?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: YEAHHHHHHHHH SPENCERS THE BSET</p><p>pipe cleaner: Thanks?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: LOVE YOU</p><p>pipe cleaner: Love you too.</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: YOU DO???? AWESOME!!!!! PEN DID U HEAR THAT<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: I WANNA PLAY TRUTH OR DARE</p><p>penny: yeah i heard that, my adonis. you got your mans. #goals<br/>penny: truth or dare?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: hmmmmmmmmmMMmmm truth</p><p>penny: uhhhh<br/>penny: torn between traditional and cheesy or breaking the status quo<br/>penny: lets go traditional<br/>penny: who’s the most embarrassing crush youve had?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: welllllllllllll baby girl that might have to be uhhhhh<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: benedict cumberbatch’s grinch</p><p>Cheeto slut: Well, that wasn’t what i was expecting</p><p>penny: who didnt tbh? bendy cumburger has a sexy sexy voice</p><p>Breeder: What the fuck</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: shT the fuck up you fuckinn hetero<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: you proably had a crush on sTacy’ mom as kid kid dont come after me</p><p>Breeder: ...You have to admit, she had it going on</p><p>bossace: dave thats GROSS</p><p>penny: EWWWWWWWWW STRAIGHTY GET UR GERMS OUT OF HERE</p><p>Breeder: Not again</p><p>BAMFlesbian: no, not again. always.</p><p>Breeder: Fuck you ANYWAY truth or dare Morgan</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: dare!!!</p><p>BAMFlesbian: WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA</p><p>Breeder: I was the one who said truth or dare. I get to dare him</p><p>BAMFlesbian: SHUT UP CISHET<br/>BAMFlesbian: I HAVE BETTER IDEAS THAN YOU</p><p>
  <em>BAMFlesbian removed bossace from BAU BABEYYYY</em>
</p><p>BAMFlesbian: MORGAN I DARE YOU TO SLAP HOTCH’S ASS</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: are u TRYING to get me fired??</p><p>BAMFlesbian: hes drunk!!! He probs wont even remember this!!!!!</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: okokokok u talked me into it</p><p>BAMFlesbian: wait already?<br/>BAMFlesbian: sweet</p><p>Cheeto slut: Good luck out there, morgs.</p><p>pipe cleaner: Fare well, comrade.</p><p>penny: oh so we talking communism now huh<br/>penny: i have a meme for this hold on<br/>penny:   us about hotchs ass rn</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: does that mean youll split the consequences with me then???</p><p>penny: honey, i love you<br/>penny: but absolutely not.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: just do it already!!</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: FINE<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: brb<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: if im noot dead that is</p><p>BAMFlesbian: fuck yeah</p><p>Cheeto slut: Don’t get hurt too bad.</p><p>pipe cleaner: This is a member of our team you’re talking about, remember? I don’t think that’s possible.</p><p>Cheeto slut: I concede the point</p><p>BAMFlesbian: lmao</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: GUYS IM BACK</p><p>penny: how did it go????</p><p>Breeder: Well, he’s alive, so better than expected.</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: OK SO I WALKED UP TO HIM AND HE WAS LOOKING AT HIS PHONE REALLY CONFUSED<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: AND I SAID HEY CAN I TOUCH YOU<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: AND HE WAS LIKE WHAT UHHH SSURE<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: SO I SLAPPED HIS ASS<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: WHICH IS A VERY NICE ASS BTW<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: AND HE JUMPED 3 FET IN THE AIR BEFORE FLEEING TO THE BATHROO LOOKING HORRIFIED<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: ALDSHKAKJHSFKLDKSDGH</p><p>BAMFlesbian: AMAZING</p><p>Cheeto slut: PERFECTLY EXECUTED</p><p>pipe cleaner: Derek, we’re all really proud of you!</p><p>penny: CONGRATS CONGRATS CONGRATS DEREK UR BIG DICK ENERGY JUST DOUBLED<br/>penny: we should add hotch back to see what hes saying</p><p>
  <em>penny added bossace to BAU BABEYYYY</em>
</p><p>bossace: APPED MY ASS MY ASS!! HIT ME!! GUYS HE SLAPPED MY ASS GUYS WHY ISNT HTE TEXT SENDING IM GOING TO SET UP A SEXUAL ASSAULT SEMINAR I NEED YOU TO REMIND ME GUYS HE SLaPPED Y ASS HH</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: gyuhuuhu thicc</p><p>bossace: I WILL NOT TOLERTE THIS</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: oh shjt wait i just saw him mARCH out of the BATHROOm</p><p>bossace: WHERE ARRE YOU</p><p>Cheeto slut: I haven’t been this entertained in years</p><p>BAMFlesbian: im making popcorn and pouring vodka as we speak</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: hes cominghes coming oh mtgod<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: ztfYUpl</p><p>pipe cleaner: Is he dead?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: that would be the day</p><p>penny: em, thats mean</p><p>BAMFlesbian: yeah :/<br/>BAMFlesbian: when are they gonna respond to the chat its been like a min since hotch attacked</p><p>pipe cleaner: Fourty-two seconds, actually.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: awww worried about your boyfriend?</p><p>pipe cleaner: He’s not my boyfriend!</p><p>penny: :(</p><p>Cheeto slut: :(</p><p>BAMFlesbian: :(</p><p>Breeder: :(</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: :(</p><p>pipe cleaner: Derek???</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: what</p><p>pipe cleaner: Why did you send a :(?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: oh dont worry abt it babbbe<br/>Internalized Homophobia :/: u should be more worried abut what hottchman did to me!! insensitive</p><p>Cheeto slut: What did he do to you?</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: HE SLAPPED MY HEAD</p><p>bossace: not my fault youre so bald an d shiny<br/>bossace: your head was wide open for attack and y expect mw not to?? Pathetic</p><p>penny: hotch is right. youre basically inviting a smack with that shiny shimmery. you used to have hair, what happened????</p><p>Internalized Homophobia :/: ffu k you guys &gt;;(</p><p>Breeder: Now you know how it feels</p><p>BAMFlesbian: shut the fuck up straggot this isnt about you</p><p>Cheeto slut: Fuck out of here and take your infection with you</p><p>bossace: leave uys alone you goddan breeeder</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>to the ppl who were suggesting to threaten crimes: never fear!! thats comin up next chapter. </p><p>also, can someone pls tell me how to put images in here???? i edited the meme but it wont let me insert it :(</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Time To Crime</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im failing my chem class but its ok!!!!! i made a mocha cake!!! :D</p><p>buckle in you fucking harlots, this chapter makes no coherent sense!!!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BAMFlesbian: god jj that therapy session brought back too many FUCKING memories. never make me go to one again or i will</p><p>Cheeto slut: You will what.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: commit mass arson<br/>
BAMFlesbian: steal your firstborn child<br/>
BAMFlesbian: evade my taxes for a year<br/>
BAMFlesbian: i was deciding, babe. dont rush art<br/>
BAMFlesbian: theres no need for the mom voice</p><p>bossace: JJ, do you really think this is better</p><p>Cheeto slut: Yeah. only slightly. Only if em doesnt actually kidnap henry</p><p>Internalized homophobia :/: Dont poke the bear! What are you thinking???</p><p>
  <i>BAMFlesbian changed Internalized homophobia :/’s name to fucking coward</i>
</p><p>BAMFlesbian: back to the classics</p><p>fucking coward: the only thing im fucking is your mom</p><p>penny: you have been hanging out with tara too much. stop it</p><p>fucking coward: absolutely not shes the funniest person ive ever met</p><p>penny: how DARE you</p><p>fucking coward: babygirl you dont count as a person youre a goddess</p><p>penny: oh. ok<br/>
penny: you may go on then</p><p>fucking coward: prentiss will you let me change my username if i tell you something that is not cowardly</p><p>BAMFlesbian: depends on what it is</p><p>fucking coward: im the b in LGBT</p><p>pipe cleaner: FUCK yeah Derek I’m proud of you!</p><p>BAMFlesbian: what, like this is news?<br/>
BAMFlesbian: we’ve always known youre the b</p><p>penny: hell yeah thats the love of my life! coming out and accepting himself like we kne he would!!!</p><p>BAMFlesbian: b for bald</p><p>fucking coward: Fuck off prentiss, im trying to come out here</p><p>bossace: Yes, and you’re doing great. Keep it up</p><p>BAMFlesbian: alright fine</p><p>
  <i>BAMFlesbian changed fucking coward’s name to fucking men now, apparently</i>
</p><p>Cheeto slut: Emily!</p><p>bossace: Prentiss.</p><p>fucking men now, apparently: REALLY?</p><p>BAMFlesbian: WELL YOU ARE</p><p>fucking men now, apparently: WHAT ARE YOU, HOMOPHOBIC??</p><p>BAMFlesbian: IM A <i>LESBIAN</i></p><p>fucking men now, apparently: AND???????</p><p>BAMFlesbian: god FINE you fucking KILLJOYS</p><p>
  <i>BAMFlesbian changed fucking men now, apparently’s name to Adonis</i>
</p><p>BAMFlesbian: DOES THIS SUIT YOUR TASTES??????&gt;? DOES THIS SOUNG ENOUGH LIKE PEN FOR U???</p><p>Adonis: Yeah actually</p><p>penny: finally a fitting name</p><p>BAMFlesbian: fucking coward was fitting too</p><p>penny: yknow, em? we should have another girls night</p><p>BAMFlesbian: a lil random but ok</p><p>penny: jj u free saturday? around noon?</p><p>Cheeto slut: That’s not exactly a girls NIGHT, but yeah. I’ll have to get a babysitter for Henry though</p><p>bossace: I can watch him. Jack’s been wanting to hang out with him again anyway</p><p>Cheeto slut: Thank you!! I’ll drop him off on my way to pen’s. I owe you one.</p><p>penny: picnic time!!!<br/>
penny: spencer’s invited if they want to come</p><p>BAMFlesbian: @pipe cleaner wanna come??</p><p>pipe cleaner: Sure! As long as Emily doesn’t pour wine on me and cover me in breadcrumbs like last time.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: no promises</p><p>pipe cleaner: Please?</p><p>bossace: Come on, prentiss</p><p>BAMFlesbian: FINE<br/>
BAMFlesbian: you two really make me want to commit check fraud and con my way onto airlines like my role model, frank abnagale</p><p>bossace: You know, I could probably organize for him to come do a seminar</p><p>BAMFlesbian: WAIT REALLY</p><p>pipe cleaner: WAIT REALLY?</p><p>Breeder: Oh, I met him once, a couple years ago!<br/>
Breeder: He actually owes me a favour.</p><p>Adonis: ...Why</p><p>Breeder: Do you really want to know</p><p>pipe cleaner: Absolutely not.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: YES!</p><p>Cheeto slut: Tell us</p><p>Adonis: Don’t</p><p>bossace: No, i do not want to know</p><p>Breeder: The people have spoken. Sorry, Emily.</p><p>BAMFlesbian: I swear to god i am going to illegally invest in stocks</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>finally.... derek got his shit together... we stan &lt;3</p><p>sorry this one's so short. i dont really have an excuse except im gay u cant be mad at me that would be homophobia</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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